My Struggle with Depression

It's just casual to write down your emotions rather then explaining it to world .So the things I felt daily is nothing but my fight with my mind

What does a person require to be happy?

No I don't know never did I understand the fact that we have already loose so much while we are still so young

Story goes like this I was just doing ok until a morning I realised iam crying and when I gave a thought about it I have no idea why am I crying it was just sudden sadness that kept me cry a whole day just a little thought. 

So I kept thinking why am I feeling like this than I realised my hurt has become full of sadness holding things for long time had made me so much awful that I can't even control my tear 

The a sudden realization enter my mind oh I need to act strong iam a feminine women a strong modern women lete wipe my tears what will they think am I a week girl let me hide it for while than i'll cry in my room

I smiled but my tears couldn't  hold themselves back they continuously falling down .Wiping and smiling which made me look like crazy why is it becoming hard to just not cry 

Then I see myself in mirror ohhhh that's not me a girl with sad puffy eyes  smiling with tears .Question arise in my mind am I young is it the price of living. 

I was just living the other day dreaming about my future smiling and thinking about good days.Am I really happy ?

My heart was so full of holding back that I couldn't do it more it was like my mind and hurt was telling me sorry the space has been filled no more space left .That time it started my depression journey when there's nothing left to hold your body isn't in your control 

And I started panic look around for help to tell them a new feeling is arising in my mind I don't know about it this is something new I don't even know how to react deal with it 

Everyone looked and sad it's normal everybody face it nothing new .Was it really normal I was thinking about it  the feeling the pain of not knowing is it really easy?

How hard it become for a young person when they Just dreaming about life but the burden of life peoples start eating their brain but you older people told you this is normal .No it's not .I haven't felt ok after that 

I realised that day how much things have hurt me peoples my friends family and my life mostly

The feeling of not knowing how to deal with such things and not finding any help is worst. Then we start excepting things may be I have to keep it like this .you are happy in one moment and sad in other .The things keep getting worse and you start getting think negative about yourself self doubt,self harm ,lower confidence it keeps getting worse.

The day I realised it was because of my past relationship. Things which were also new one day editing and joyful is giving you pain and anxiety 

Ohhhh anxiety I found so late about this about while searching for cure I found that the thing iam feeling has name called anxiety. 

So the past relationship I was talking about it was so bad  that I can't even explain it to anyone the only thing I can say is it was my experience with hell

There are people who willing love you like no one but when you start loving back than they will start treating you like your property 

I was so innocent and pure that I didn't understood that what to do if your loved one molest you treat you bad and marking you a bad person 

I was so in love that I didn't recognize it's making me awful I should quit,that person made me weak and a girl who feared everything 

I didn't recognize when did I became a person like that so broke and silent.The thing I was mesmerized by once has made me a weak girl

So the day I realised that I had cried so many times that it has become my habit now .Iam no longer that strong girl who has a dream who want to achieve so much in life .But all I think now was what is my fault why is it happening with meaning.

The feeling makes me cry so deep untill my thoughts disappear. Nobody notice something different in me every person were like what's wrong with her mood ? Let her deal with it .

Those peoples who appreciate you once will start judging you ohh look she is week she shouldn't be like that .A girl needs to be strong but she is week she cries at every small things .

And that was the time I started thinking ohh iam different iam weak nobody love me .at that time my downfall began I start doubting worry more and question myself may be I deserve no love 

That's the worst thing a young mind can think about himself that they don't deserve to be loved and you start living like it.Your life become a fight between you and your mind .Nobody around you know what's happening with you right now .

My parents has done so much for me i am always great ful to them . Peoples are so innocent that they have no idea what is mental illness. Parents only know that they need to give their child a good education that's it 

They have no idea what things their child is handling .And it's not their fault they never felt such things and don't know about it either. 

I start living with my thoughts like I adapted a new habit of dealing with depression. As days passed sometime it become so hard to hold that you want to end your life but as you think about your parents I choose to deal with it rather than hurting my parents. 

Always choose your parents first they have only you .

There's a incident once I was in  so much pain that I leave everything behind my study career, future, the day I realised I need to feel ok .My mind was so full that I fight with everything and was ready to leave just to find peace somewhere 

The only thing that stuck my mind while looking for peace was my mother lap ,I decided to leave fir my home and sleep in my mothers lap for as long as I can .

I went home as soon as I reach I hugged them so tight and cried.That day I sleep in my mothers lap and the feeling the peace it  was so relaxing that it felt like now my heart is empty now to fill it with good things .

I sleep with my mom every day ,just stuck with her whole day without talking much without crying, without fearing about future study career,just for myself for my mind 

The day I leave my house again the only thing I knew was that I deserve to be loved but not by others by myself for my betterment. 

It was new me I searched talked to peoples about mental health. And then I start recovering, healing the best word you can describe it by

Yoga ,meditation, spiritual path ,good music and self awareness it took me so long to love myself again. 

I still cried sometimes whole day ,whole week but now I know myself it's not a disease to cure it's your mind which needs to heal ,refill it with again time to time it needs so much love 

The only thing I have learnt in past years is that only you can make yourself happy .It's only your duty to love yourself. 

There will come so many time when you will feel low and depressed just know one thing don't give up on yourself whatever the situation is .You will heal yourself jus have  faith in yourself. 

Do it for yourself not others

Always find a way to yourself again!